The Daily Pooper

And The Winner Is...

2006-08-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

After much deliberation, we here at The Daily Pooper are proud to give this year's NBA Randy Johnson Award to L.A. Clippers troll Sam Cassell! We could Talk about it, but we won't. It was a hard decision, but it ultimately came don to this:

We did say we wouldn't compare him to Gollum, but we never said shit about E.T.
Congrats Sam, we love ya.
Now, it's time for us to go play Madden '07 for months.
Keep using play action, America.

A Great Award is Named For a Great Man.

2006-08-11T18:36:00.001-07:00

As you know, the award for the ugliest man in the NBA will be announced next week. We intend to give this award out for all of the major pro sports (well, the ones we pay attention to anyway). That being said, we have been trying to find three contenders for the award for Major League Baseball. It was impossible. There really was only one choice. One man embodies the ugly athlete more than any other. He is the reason we started paying attention to the ugliness of professional athletes. He's the Michael Jordan of ugly. That's why we decided to name the awards after him. Yes, all of them. Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you...The Randy Johnson Award!

We do miss the mullet, but let's face it, the guy's still got it

Randy Johnson has been ugly since the beginning of time. Who can see that grotesquely large adam's apple and not get a little teary-eyed? Not us. Randy, we love you, but damn you are ug-a-ly. Next week, we will give out the NBA's Randy Johnson Award.

Here, Randy Johnson does us all a favor.
Keep staring into the adam's apple, America.

Steve Nash for NBA's Ugliest Man

2006-08-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

Our third and final uhh finalist for NBA'a ugliest man is Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns. He's weird lookin', he's Canadian. Like co-finalist Sam Cassell, Nash's ugliness really speaks for itself. Since we only are using three pictures per contender, we had a hard time finding just the right ones. We feel we've done a pretty good job. Our only regret, not showing him with his greasy mop, playing ball. Nash is the only finalist of whom we have no game pictures. In the end, we decided to go with these three. The first one is absolutely horrendous. Nash looks like he just got picked by the teacher to run the projector. The next two pictures are both pictures of Nash drunk. It was a tough decision to go with two drunk pictures and no game pictures, but really, which one should we have left out? The first drunk picture shows him with dork/buddy Dirk Nowitski. Nash looks like an alien or a mutant in this picture and is that a moustache or a shadow? The third picture is, well, creepy for lack of a better word. Any player with a picture where he's showig off his chest hair, while drunk, is a lock to make the final three. Will it be enough? We'll find out next week. Also, we have decided on an official name for the award. we're working on the presentation right now.
Keep drinking, America

Sam Cassell For NBA's Ugliest Man

2006-08-07T10:52:00.001-07:00

Our next candidate for NBA's ugliest man is none other than Sam Cassell. The reasons are obvious. People have been known to compare his looks to Gollum, from some nerd movie, but we here at The Daily Pooper will do no such thing. The description of Cassell's ugliness will be much shorter than that of Chris Kaman. We believe that Sam's ugliness speaks for itself. Look at the pictures. The first one is well, almsot disgusting. The second is of his patented "big balls dance". In the third picture, Cassell appears to be preparing to eat Latrell Sprewell. We know that if we had a rabid Cassell climbing on our back, we would not be able to have the composure that Sprewell shows here. Hats off to you Latrell, you are a better man than we. Can Cassell be defeated, most definitely. The man who poses his biggest challenge, Steve Nash, is up next.
Keep juggling your big balls, America.

Chris Kaman for NBA's Ugliest Man

2006-08-07T10:28:00.001-07:00

Our first nominee for NBA's Ugliest Man 2006 is Chris Kaman of the L.A. Clippers. We believe the pictures speak for themselves, but we will provide a few short thoughts for you, the reader. There are many things that helped us to nominate Kaman as a finalist this year. One of the biggest reason is his thinning hair. You can plainly see in the first two pictures just how thin it really is. Notice how well it swrls around in the air. The second picture shows that his receding hairline has gone all the way back somewhere behind his ear! Mr. Kaman, if you so much as think about shaving your head before the end of next season, you can kiss goodbye any thought of returning as a finalist, you don't have facial ugliness to match early 2007 favorite Steve Nash, close but not quite. Just some friendly advice.
The one thing that really pushed Kaman over the edge and into the finals is displayed in the third picture. Study it. notic anything unusual? We thought you would! Chris Kaman has the smallest head in basketball. We promise that we have not doctored this picture in any way. As you can see, it appears that Kaman's neck is larger than his entire head. To us, this picture doesn't even look real, but it is his official picture in the Clipper's media guide, so there you go.
Chris brings a lot of ugly to the table. Are either of his challengers uglier than him? We'll all find out together.
Up next, Sam Cassell.
Keep pinheading, America.

Things Overheard on Public Transportation

2006-08-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

We here at The Daily Pooper are proud mass transit users. We use it wherever we go and will continue to do so until we die or until they invent flying cars. From time to time, we overhear strange conversations. We will now be bringing all of them to you. Keep in mind that all conversations are real with no embellishments. This means that the regularity of this feature is uncertain. Please trust us to bring to you anything worth hearing about.

With that, here is a written transcript of a very angry cell phone conversation one of our reporters overheard yesterday afternoon.

"Yeah, well all she had was a thong bathing suit...No, it's not just like mine, mine's all that...Yeah I have a pink thong bathing suit but mine has slits on the arms...I bet hers doesn't have no slits on the arms...Mine's all that, it's got slits on the arms, a pink wraparound skirt WITH GLITTER! It's also got pink stockings, and a pink scarf. I bet hers doesn't have none of that shit...Well, her man shoulda smacked you for looking at her. If i was there, i woulda smacked him...Well you shouldn't be looking, my thong bathing suit is better so you shoulda been thinking about me...HEY, (now in an almost whisper) I will roll on you. You watch yourself."

It was at this point that our brave reporter got off the bus, wondering how you can have slits on the arms of a bathing suit.
What will we hear next? There's only one way to find out.

Keep riding the bus, America.

The First Annual NBA's Ugliest Man Award.

2006-08-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

We here at The Daily Pooper like to give out year end awards to sports stars who really give it their all. We now present the 1st Annual NBA's Ugliest Man Awards. This competition will also be held for MLB and The NFL after their seasons.
The rules are simple
1. You must have played a significant role for your team during the last season.
2. All pictures are admissable, no matter what year they were taken. However, pictures taken after the season's end are not admissable until next year.
3. You have to be at least kind of good.
4. You better be really ugly.

That's pretty much it. After much consideration, we have narrowed it down to three finalists. Amazingly, two players from the same team are finalists. Each player will have his own post with picture evidence. This will give you an idea of how hard will be for us to pick a final winner. You must keep in mind that we love our ugly athletes. We hold them in the highest regard. It takes talent to be an NBA star, it takes talent and heart to be an NBA Ugly Man.

It is with great pleasure that we present our finalists for 2006. They are Chris Kaman of the L.A. Clippers, Sam Cassell of the L.A. Clippers and Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns. Stay tuned this week to learn and see more of each player's ugliness as well as the winner. First up, Chris Kaman.
Keep uglying America

New Nickels

2006-07-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

This morning, while out getting our morning cup of joe, one of our Pooper staffers noticed something, another new design for the common nickel. Both new designs that have surfaced over the last two years are pictured on the left. As you can see the 2005 nickel shows a different profile of Jefferson than the nickels of our childhood. The 2006 nickel shows all of our third president's face. This is the beginning of a new trend in coin-making. The '06 nickel is part of a campaign entitled "Head,and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" where each year a new body part is featured. 2007 will be Jefferson's shoulders, 2008 his knees, 2009 his toes. This will likely continue. The Daily Pooper has heard from an anonymous source that there is a plan for a nickel in 2013 that will show Jefferson's butt.
Keep spending America.

Jon Lovitz...cannibal?

2006-07-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

We here at The Daily Pooper, from time to time, need to bring news that hurts to tell as much as it hurts to hear. Sometimes, it's because it's a story is just that important. Sometimes, as is the case today, it is because your life is in danger. We were hanging out after hours in our lounge here at The Pooper's offices watching television as we are known to do. We were watching "Hell's Kitchen" (we like when ugly guys yell alot, not sure why...). Anyway, during a commercial break we came across some rather startling information. one of our favorite actors, Jon Lovitz (we love that guy he always is), appeared in a commercial for Subway Restaurants. It was your typical commercial for the most part, some guy wants food. it was the ending that shocked us. Lovitz is pictured sitting in a chair and he plainly states "Subway, eat flesh."
Knowing the commercial is on every five minutes, we waited around to see it again, just to make sure we hadn't misheard Sir Lovitz. Unfortunately for us and 'vitz-headz around the world, it was unmistakable. There was no other way to hear it. Jon Lovitz, our boy, said "Eat Flesh."
We tried to reach him for comment, but it was useless. He would not answer his phone. We bought a map to his home from a strange lady on the street but it got us nowhere. We got to his house and stood outside arguing about who would knock on the door. None of us were brave enough to face the man-eating man. Imagine being face-to-face with a cannibal, could you do it?
We, of course, will not give up. Non-give-up-itude is one of our middle names, as you know. We will continue to try and muster up the courage to face Jon "The Cannibal" Lovitz.
Stay vigilant, America.

Wait, Holy alligator? Well, hole-y maybe, but holy? No way.

2006-07-26T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is the kind of story that we here at The Daily Pooper live for. This alligator(pictured above) is owned by Micheal Wilk of Salem, WI. Some of you may be familiar with the story. Newspapers across the coutnry have been talking about this alligator. They say that the markings on it's side spell out "G-O-D", the name of a popular theological figure. But, we here at The Pooper say "not so fast!". We know our readers can read (you can read right? that's why you're here?). Anyone can plainly see that the markings do spell out a word. The problem is some people are stupid. It is obvious that the letters are "G-U-N", the name of a popular way to kill stuff. We could never let this slide. That's why we brought it to you.
As our motto states "Because you need to know. Because you want to know."
Keep reading, America.

Welcome to The Daily Pooper!

2006-07-26T14:10:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your interest! We really appreciate it. Here at The Daily Pooper, we take pride in bringing you all of the important news that will help you in life, in love and in America. We also believe in truth. Integrity is our middle name. Well, one of them anyway. Others include compassion, ingenuity, non-give-up-itude and Ron.
Our large editorial staff (pictured) has years of experience and boy, does it show! We have covered every major event in America for the last 79 years and we don't plan on stopping! No, we have big plans here at The Daily Pooper. In preparation for our 80th anniversary we are debuting this all new online edition. We hope you find this as rewarding an experience as we do. None of this is possible without you, our readers. Thank you for your unending support!
Please check back soon for updates.
Keep pooping, America